Yesterday was particularly grey and rainy and as I drove to take my pre-employment drug screen, it finally really sunk in that I was returning to work in just 5 days. I had been laid off during maternity leave, which turned out to be a blessing in disguise because I got to spend an additional 3 months with my son. Not only did we have all this extra bonding time together, but I was able to really establish a sold milk supply for him before having to go to a mostly pumping situation. As I waited at the stop light I started to think about how much I will miss him and I suddenly couldn't stop the tears. Even as I write this and think about our time together the tears fall.
Someone asked me what I will miss about this time the most. That is a hard question to answer because I will miss so much. The best answer I can think of is the time itself. Yesterday morning when he woke up I brought him in my bed, set the timer on my "Feed baby" app, and began to nurse him. Suddenly I wake up and see the timer at over 40 minutes, and realize we have both fallen asleep, him still suckling away and me feeling the most harmonious link to him that I have ever felt. The rain is trickling against the windows, the lighting outside is still muted from the sun's hesitation to rise, and we have all the time in the world to just be like this. There is no rush to do anything but enjoy this beautiful moment of time in slow motion.
Time with him is everything and now I am mourning the loss of this time. Going forward I will have to rush to get us ready to leave in the morning. I will certainly want to rush to get out of work to make the most of our short time together in the evening after work. Since he goes to bed at 7:00 pm, we might only get an hour and a half together, which is only enough time for a bath, a nursing session, and maybe 30 minutes of playtime. I am pretty much going home to put my child to bed and not have any bonding time together and this kills my heart. How am I going to get through this devastation?
My friend let me in on a different perspective that I am trying to focus on. I need to be thankful for the extra time I did get with him. Many do not get this much time and some don't get a maternity leave at all. I am very fortunate in this respect. The hard truth here is that babies don't stay babies for long and they too quickly become kids that have their own desires to experience the world. I will never be able to hold on to this time for long anyway regardless of whether or not I have to return to work. It still hurts, but it's just life and I can't stop time. I do need to focus on what time we do have together and make that the center of my life.
So far in my parenting journey, the hard parts are not the lack of sleep or any of the other cliches out there, it is the loss of time and letting go of the inevitable. I just hope I can hold on to the memories of these most precious moments, when time has seemed to pause, instead of interfering with our little world. What little time we do have will be enjoyed at a slower pace from now on.
Oils I have used in the past 24 hours:
Thieves-on baby's feet before going to daycare
Eucalyptus blue-in baby's diffuser overnight
Lavender-in baby's diffuser overnight and in his bath
Peace & calming-in my diffuser at night
Lemon-in my water (everyday)
Cedarwood-on my scalp at bedtime
Cedarwood, Lavender, Peace & calming in my bedtime foot rub
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